How Are You?

I don't remember where I heard it, but a long time ago, I heard someone say that people don't ever want to hear you say, "I'm fine."

I think this person was drunk on glue.

But that's irrelevant.

The fact is, I took that to heart.

I started telling people how I really felt.

"Hi," they would begin. "How are you?"

And I would reply,

"I'm okay..." *linger* *linger* *linger*

And that would spur a totally long conversation about how I'm okay, but I'm struggling here and there, but by golly, I'm going to be a trooper.

I've been doing that for years.

Not that I do it all the time...

Emily told me last week that in some instances, I have this total look of serenity on my face. I told her that on the inside, I look like this:

My face is a bridge over troubled waters...

Anyway, I've decided I should probably stop the whole, "I'm okay" thing.

Because I heard someone else do what I do today (albeit, they had a very valid reason for it), and I thought, you know...nobody wants to hear my garbage.


Except here on my blog. Because...it's my blog. And...I can.

So, here's my one garbage dump, and I'll try really hard to keep my garbage dumps extremely rare, as in, they will be mooing.

If that makes sense. A little double entendre for you...

So, how am I?

Lonely.

Today, I came to the point when I realized that the only person I can really, truly rely on for anything, anytime, is God.

And that made me cry.

And as I lay on my bed crying, totally crushed by reality, I thought about God, and how He's never let me down, I thought, how sad is it that I am crying because my only friend is an all-powerful being?

But I guess it's because I wish I could curl up on his lap and have him put his arms around me and tell me that no matter what, with him, I'm going to be okay. He's on my team.

And I guess I cry because I know he doesn't want me to be lonely. It makes him sad.

Because, he likes me.

Even though I am silly.

So, I will cry for a while. And he'll cry for me, too.