Tuesday, May 22, 2012

How Are You?








I don't remember where I heard it, but a long time ago, I heard someone say that people don't ever want to hear you say, "I'm fine."

I think this person was drunk on glue.

But that's irrelevant.

The fact is, I took that to heart.

I started telling people how I really felt.

"Hi," they would begin. "How are you?"

And I would reply,

"I'm okay..." *linger* *linger* *linger*

And that would spur a totally long conversation about how I'm okay, but I'm struggling here and there, but by golly, I'm going to be a trooper.

I've been doing that for years.

Not that I do it all the time...

Emily told me last week that in some instances, I have this total look of serenity on my face. I told her that on the inside, I look like this:


My face is a bridge over troubled waters...

Anyway, I've decided I should probably stop the whole, "I'm okay" thing.

Because I heard someone else do what I do today (albeit, they had a very valid reason for it), and I thought, you know...nobody wants to hear my garbage.


Except here on my blog. Because...it's my blog. And...I can.

So, here's my one garbage dump, and I'll try really hard to keep my garbage dumps extremely rare, as in, they will be mooing.

If that makes sense. A little double entendre for you...

So, how am I?

Lonely.

Today, I came to the point when I realized that the only person I can really, truly rely on for anything, anytime, is God.

And that made me cry.

And as I lay on my bed crying, totally crushed by reality, I thought about God, and how He's never let me down, I thought, how sad is it that I am crying because my only friend is an all-powerful being?

But I guess it's because I wish I could curl up on his lap and have him put his arms around me and tell me that no matter what, with him, I'm going to be okay. He's on my team.

And I guess I cry because I know he doesn't want me to be lonely. It makes him sad.

Because, he likes me.

Even though I am silly.

So, I will cry for a while. And he'll cry for me, too.  

5 comments:

FINDING PEACE IN 2012 said...

I have been experiencing all the same emotions, too. Loneliness. I've always felt pretty alone in life. And actually, I really have been. But He told me that He would never leave me alone. And that brings me some comfort. But He has also blessed me with Angels to surround and support me. Which also brings great comfort. But sometimes, I wish for more "earthly" support in the form of close relationships. Which begs the question "why do I have so much trouble forming close relationships?" I know this is absolutely no help to you whatsoever. Only to say, I think crying helps! And let's be lonely together!

Shydandelion said...

Kristin, you are awesome! I will totally be lonely with you! We can cry for a while, too... :D

Rebecca said...

I like your look of serenity. I have been practicing that look for a while... did you notice?

I think it is really easy to feel lonely even when you have a lot of friends. I feel lonely a lot.

F: freaked out!
I: insecure
N: neurotic
E: ....

just saying :)

Les said...

Oh my dear sweet Dara! Reading your blog makes me want to run down to Utah, snatch you up in a great big hug, and go to Village Inn for a great big slice of pie. If only all things could disappear with a slice of pie (actually if they did I would probably be as big as a house!) Thank you for being brave enough to share, most people including myself tend to hide behind the guise of "being fine" as you said, I think if we as women shared a little more, we wouldn't feel quite so alone. I know I am 400 miles away, but know I am thinking of you and sending you a great big hug.

Sarah Stufflebeam said...

I relate to this post on many levels. Being an introvert, and single . . . yeah. But it's true about the "I'm okay" thing! I do it too . . . though, I've realized, people really just want to hear "I'm fine" because, as much as they want you to think they care, they really don't want the back story. Ah! -_-;;

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