Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Crazy Business, This Thing Called Life

When I was younger, I thought I had it all figured out. Everything was black and white. So easy.

Then I got married and had kids, and the black and white suddenly began smearing into odd swirls and finger-printed streaks.

I remember when a decision was a decision and it was so easy. SO easy.

Now, I hem and haw, and brood, and wonder, and get stupider, and wander around wondering why I walked into the kitchen because I am so blasted distracted and preoccupied.

What is up with that??

But one thing has remained.

I still care too much what people think.


Beats me.

I shouldn't.

Even if I could please everyone, chances are they wouldn't like me for being spineless anyway.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and I am exhausted. E X H A U S T E D.

I have reached my limit.

I can do no more.

I am going to eat as much chocolate as I possibly can.

And watch an episode of "Poirot."

And worry some other day.

And stop caring what other people think.

Because they probably don't think about me as much as my ego says they do.

I keep trying to tell him (yes, my ego is a man, to go with my equally male body pillow) to shut up, because nobody likes whining.

Should Josh stay in school? Probably not. Am I going to keep him there? Probably not. Do I feel bad about (supposedly) disappointing the ladies I carpool with? Infinitely. Will they get over it? Probably as soon as yesterday.

Is pulling him out going to damage my child? I don't know. Is keeping him in there going to damage him? Maybe. Will it damage me? Definitely.

If you have made it this far into my blog, good for you. Do I care if you have? Yes. Should I? No. Do I care what you have to say about my child's education? Yes. Should I? Definitely not.

Because, really, who knows better? Me? The mother? Yes. Yes, I do. Even though I am pretty sure a whole bunch of you think I am as dumb as a rock. But, I'm not. I can count up to ten with the help of my fingers, twenty if I take my shoes off.


Trillium said...

Well, I know what you are going through. Been there, done that (worrying about "what will people think?").

The mockers in the great and spacious building are always there. A whole bunch of them (they always out-number those on "the path"). They will keep pointing their fingers and mocking until you join them in the GASB and become a mocker too.

Lehi's dream tells us to hold to the iron rod and "press forward." When we are made "ashamed" by the mockers, we stop pressing forward and we let go of the iron rod, and are inevitably "lost" wandering in "strange paths."

At some point, after much prayer and pondering, you and your husband will agree on a correct path. It won't necessarily be an easy path. But, you will know it is the right path. After you recognize the correct path, "concerned friends" may suggest (with doubt in their eyes) that maybe you have made a wrong decision. Just remember that you don't need to explain your decision to everyone. You are entitled to revelation concerning your family, they aren't.

Enjoying Life . . . One day at a time! said...

As soon as you figure out how to stop caring so much about what other people think, will you please let me in on the secret? I have struggled with that so much, too! And the internal struggle is exhausting! Even though I have planned on homeschooling my kids since I was about 16, I still struggle with feeling inadequate, guilty for going against the norm and what other's tell me is "best" for my child. You are absolutely right! You do know best! You do know best! You do know best! Which ever decision you make, will be the right one for you and your children. Every child learns differently. Some do great in public school because their learning style fits with the teaching style. Other kids have a constant struggle (usually the ones that are hands-on learners). Only you know your child well enough to know how he learns best. I just got a great book list from a woman in my ward who has been homeschooling for years. If you'd like it, email me or leave a comment. Good luck figuring it all out. PS: You should care what I think . . . because I think you're awesome, amazing, and a wonderful mother who would go to the ends of the earth for her children's happiness! So, just OWN IT, you're great!

Tina said...

I am in awe at mothers who home school because it takes A LOT of patience, love and organization and let's not leave out; KNOWLEDGE!!
If you want to home school then that is wonderful. Think of all the things Josh won't hear and won't learn from other kids. I've already been told some things from Cloey that happen at school and it doesn't make me happy.
Don't EVER feel bad for home schooling. You are smart and I know that you would succeed at it and so will Josh. Stop worrying about what others will say and worry more about Josh and his feelings. Sounds like you and him would do better with home school so if it feels right... go for it. I'm behind you 100%!!! (If that even matters to you!! smile)

Rebecca said...

hey! I think you are awesome! You were homeschooled and you did awesome! so..... hang in there - seek guidance from heavenly father and you will be fine.

Chris said...

Personally, I am glad that I went to public school. I really enjoyed it. Sure, I may have been picked on, and stuff, but it made me the way I am. I think if I was sheltered my whole life and then started a job where I wouldn't be sheltered, that I would be in major shock of the real world. Also, I liked riding the bus, making friends, having different teachers each year, all the fun different activities, etc. I think with home school you lose more than you gain. Sure, you will probably have the perfect kid with no outside influences, but they will still have it later when they get older. I think it is better when they are younger and learn with others. I know it is just my personal opinion, but I will keep my kids in public school until I see a negative influence. My first was super shy and wouldn't do much, but in kindergarten, he led the whole school in the pledge of allegiance. He also won first place for a drawing that he did. I think that the best is having both school and family involvement. I go to parent teacher conferences, I ask my son every day how was school, and what did he learn. I make it a point to talk with him about school. I think it depends on a lot of factors. Maybe it has something to do with where you are living too. It's hard to say. But, I still think that interacting with other kids would be good for him. I mean, if kids at church treat him bad, are you going to stop going to church and teach him primary at home? Just a thought.

Melanie Ann Millett said...

What you said about others not thinking about you as much as you think they do is exactly what my mom told me once when I was growing up, and I've always remembered it. I think it is really really true. Do you think about others as much as you think they think about you? (That question makes sense, right?)

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