Error....

I am generally a happy person.

And I have never had post-partum depression at the end of my pregnancies.

Until this one.

I have been feeling pretty down lately. I don't know if it's the crazy weather, the fact that Jeremy is having to work a lot, that my kids are exploring their willful natures, that Lily is waking up at 2AM, and 3AM, 4, 5, 6....

There are specific requirements, if you will, that indicate you have depression. Let's review them one by one, shall we?

*difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

Yes.

*fatigue and decreased energy.

Yes, yes, yes...

*feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

Me.

*feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

Me, me, me...

*insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

Also me...

*irritability, restlessness

My children answer this for me with a resounding "YES!"

*loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

The stack of projects in my closet answer in the affirmative. No comment on the last thing...

*overeating or appetite loss persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

Sigh....

*persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

ALL THE TIME!

Now, I am not big on getting drugs to fix my problems. I would rather do things naturally. I don't need my chemicals messed with.

I keep hoping it will go away. But its been going on so long...

The most frustrating thing about all this is that the depression casts a film over my spiritual receptivity. Where I used to have certainty about what my feeling were telling me, I have my own little mist of darkness that I am struggling to peer through.

At times when these feelings get the worst, is when I pray the hardest. And God sends peace, blessed peace, and I am able to make it through for a time. Perhaps the silver lining on this darkest of clouds is how near He is when I call out.