Monday, May 24, 2010

Error....



I am generally a happy person.




And I have never had post-partum depression at the end of my pregnancies.




Until this one.




I have been feeling pretty down lately. I don't know if it's the crazy weather, the fact that Jeremy is having to work a lot, that my kids are exploring their willful natures, that Lily is waking up at 2AM, and 3AM, 4, 5, 6....




There are specific requirements, if you will, that indicate you have depression. Let's review them one by one, shall we?






*difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions



Yes.



*fatigue and decreased energy.



Yes, yes, yes...



*feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness



Me.



*feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism



Me, me, me...



*insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping



Also me...



*irritability, restlessness



My children answer this for me with a resounding "YES!"



*loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex



The stack of projects in my closet answer in the affirmative. No comment on the last thing...



*overeating or appetite loss persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment



Sigh....



*persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings



ALL THE TIME!



Now, I am not big on getting drugs to fix my problems. I would rather do things naturally. I don't need my chemicals messed with.



I keep hoping it will go away. But its been going on so long...



The most frustrating thing about all this is that the depression casts a film over my spiritual receptivity. Where I used to have certainty about what my feeling were telling me, I have my own little mist of darkness that I am struggling to peer through.

At times when these feelings get the worst, is when I pray the hardest. And God sends peace, blessed peace, and I am able to make it through for a time. Perhaps the silver lining on this darkest of clouds is how near He is when I call out.

8 comments:

Trillium said...

Another cause of your angst might be your pending change of habitat.... and the nasty weather.... and . . . . .

Sorry. I didn't mean to pile on.

Your trip to sunny So-Cal should remedy some of it!

Bethany said...

Knowing and recognizing is more than half the battle, although perhaps the easier part.

Our RS just had a information meeting regarding depression. The dude (technical term) that talked said that 45 minutes of exercise a day has proven to be as effective, if not more effective, than most anti-depressants.

Now, how you will manage to get 45 minutes a day in with 3 kids and a busy husband, that just might cause even more depression.

Try it though. I had PPD after I had Marie and working out regularly made ALL the difference.

Wishing you the best ....

Tina said...

I would say go for a walk but your stoller might get caught up in the snow. Let your kids go have fun in it, forget yourself and try your hardest to make them happy and you'll be happy. It works for me... I'm so glad you have been praying and Heavenly Father hears your prayers and comforts you. That is so reasurring. You are wonderful and I'm sorry for all these mixed up feelings you've been experiencing. I'll definitely be keeping you in my prayers. Love ya!!

Katscratchme said...

How about a nice, long, hot bath with a generous dose of the lovely bath salts that your wonderful sister gave you for Christmas... :)

Rebecca said...

you will feel better once your get to my house on Friday.

Amy said...

I'm sorry you have to go through that. It IS very rough to have ppd. Email me whenever you need to vent.

Melanie Ann Millett said...

I've felt that way for years at a time. And holy cow you are soooo much braver (?) than me. I NEVER tell people that, or anything about how I feel in general, actually....

Tara said...

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. :(

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