"Homemade" backwards is "This is a bad idea."

I've spent the last few years trying to improve our eating and grooming habits here at home, trying really hard to eliminate things that have too many chemicals, pesticides, hormones, or anything else that will give us cancer in 10 years.

On my quest to make healthier treats for the kids (which is no small feat for someone who really loves cookies made with sugar, and that fake butter stuff on popcorn), I've tested some "healthy" recipes I've found on Pinterest.

I tried to make those "Homemade Fruit Snacks" and only ended up being super disgusted as I made them, since I made the mistake of finding out what gelatin is made of.

"Here, kids!" I couldn't help exclaiming. "Have some Animal Bone Marrow Fruit-Flavored Snacks! Yum!"

In a way, it actually did improve our health, since now we don't eat ANY kind of fruit snacks.

A few years ago, Mom informed me that the butter stuff in microwave popcorn was causing cancer in the factory workers because they were breathing it day in, day out. It gave me the jibblies, but I kept eating it for two reasons: 1) Microwave popcorn is super fantastic and 2) Microwave popcorn is super fantastic.

It's be on my mind, all these years.

So I decided to start making homemade popcorn.

Now, I did realize that I indeedy do have a air popper in my pantry, but that was too much work, or some such nonsense.

So I found another great idea on Pinterest: Homemade microwave popcorn in a bag!

I tried this method with little success, and I'm really sad that I didn't take any pictures of the incident.

But, that didn't stop me. I came up with yet another Pinterest method for making popcorn: Homemade popcorn in a bowl!

This sounded fool-proof, and exciting, so I followed the instructions. I placed my unpopped kernals into the glass bowl, covered it, and then set the time.

I watched the bowl a tad apprehensively. Nothing was happening. But, then again, I had only put the popcorn in 10 seconds before, and while this method may have been magical, it probably wasn't THAT magical.

After three minutes, nothing had happened, so I added some time.

Five minutes.

Seven minutes.

Nine minutes.

I drew the line here, because the sad, small popped kernals were starting to turn black, and I was getting impatient for some popcorn.

I pulled the bowl out, and immediately realized my mistake.

The bowl was 1 degree below "molten glass" and I quickly dropped it back down, and stared warily at the bowl.

It just sat there looking indifferent.

A few moments later, I wrapped the bowl with a dishtowel, and pulled out the popcorn. It smelled delicious.

I divvied out the scant amount of popcorn into bowl for the littles, and proudly presented my offering to them.

They looked at it sideways, but tried it anyway.

The next day, I made the popcorn this way again.

Eva, dubbed ambassador by the other littles, approached me and said, "We don't like this. Please refrain."

I glared at her. Didn't she know how long I had to stand at the microwave watching the popcorn pop, just so she and her ungrateful siblings could have a fun treat in the middle of the afternoon??

I complained to Jeremy, who pushed away the bowl of popcorn I presented him. He didn't like it either.

I then had a brilliant idea!

Maybe the popcorn would cook faster and taste better if I cooked it in a ceramic bowl!

I decided to try out my theory.

I poured the kernals, olive oil, and salt into the bowl, and popped it into the microwave oven.

After about two minutes the bowl cracked in two.

Shucks.

I then thought it would be better to use a plastic bowl.

I repeated the process with the kernals, oil, and salt and started again.

The bowl, after two minutes, unceremoniously melted.

"Poop." I stated.

I then decided this whole popcorn thing was a bad idea.

The next time I went to Costco I picked up a box of microwave popcorn.

We're all going to die of cancer, anyway. Might as well have enjoyed my popcorn.