Saturday, June 15, 2013

Death is like an onion

I've been under the weather.

Well, I suppose we all are, if you think about it...I mean if you go outside you are under the clouds, and the sun, and if it's rainy, you are under the raindrops, or snow, or hail stones, or meteorites, or...

Anyway, I've been in bed for the last two days. Which isn't so bad, since it means I get to sleep and play with  my new phone while Jeremy is my slave watches the children.

Jeremy and I broke down and bought new phones last week. Jeremy's old blackberry wasn't working anymore, what with the rolly ball thingy not working right and him having to push it really hard to make the stupid thing function. So, we miserly two decided to take the plunge and get some smart phones. But we made sure to take every penny-pinching measure possible while we did it, so you needn't worry about us losing our money-grubbing edge.

I wasn't sure for a long time about these new-fangled phones. I mean, if you look at it, there are no buttons. What is a phone without buttons? It scared me. I needed a phone with buttons.

But, as soon as I found out that I could put the entire Gospel Library on my phone I was as giddy as a nun at the Vatican.

Anyway, remember last week when I was talking about the sickies in my house? Well, turns out Leah DID get sick, but since she is still in her narcoleptic stage, she seems to have gotten over it quickly. Jeremy and I thought her cute with her tiny coughs, since she would stick her tiny little tongue out with each body-rattling expulsion. She tried to keep her spirits up, however, by cooing at us, no doubt wondering why we were alternately laughing and awww-ing at her.

 I thought I had dodged the bullet, arrogantly assuming my innate awesomeness would incinerate any approaching germ.


It started with a leeetle sore throat.

And that leeetle sore throat developed into a really BIG sore throat, which then turned into congested nose plus BIG sore throat, which then turned into sleepless nights raspy coughs and razor-sharp pain, which led to wanting to rip my throat out just so I could get some peace. I would be dead, but that's okay. It would be worth not having this obnoxious sore throat.

I wandered out of my bedroom only a few times yesterday. One of the times I ran into my nephew who took one look at me and said, "You look like you've been sleeping," to which I replied, "I was," and I thought it kind of him not to mention that I looked like a zombie on the prowl. I normally don't go a day without wearing makeup (for the sake of those surrounding me), but yesterday, with all my facial orifices producing some kind of noxious liquid, I didn't even bother.

So, I spent my awake-time playing "Tap the Frog!" and "Pou" on my phone. I'll spare you the details, except to say that games like those are awesome only in small quantities, but if you have nothing else to do, you will master all of the levels of each in less than 10 hours. I would like to say that this information doesn't come from first hand knowledge, but that would be a lie, and I believe in being honest, even if it makes social situations awkward.

I took to the internet at one point to look for homemade solutions to my health problem, since I didn't want to go to the doctor. When you are pregnant and/or nursing they can't do much to help you, and I wasn't about to drag my whole scary mess down to the doctor's office just to have them tell me to sit next to a humidifier under a blanket until my ailment finally abated.

Anyway, there were the typical remedies of lemon and honey tea, or gargling salt, but one caught my eye: Gargle mouth wash.

Sounded legit.

I mean, I'd tried everything I could try up to that point, and this was something different,and would hopefully work.

I documented my experience on Facebook for my friends, and now I will relay it here for posterity:

"So I was reading online about cures for sore throats and some fantastically brilliant person suggested gargling mouth wash. So being the gullible sort I poured myself a small cup and knocked it back. My soul then clawed its way out my eye sockets and I violently spit out the contents of my mouth into the sink, all while maintaining a death-grip on the counter that managed to keep me from curling up in a fetal position. If I ever find the person who suggested this method I will eat them to death with their own arm."

I think I make my Facebook friends feel smart with all the stuff I do.

I'm feeling a tad better, but I'm not sure if it's because of the mouth wash incident, or the ibuprofen/mucinex/50k IUs of vitamin D cocktail I took this morning, or the blueberry smoothie and honey toast Jeremy gave me for breakfast, or all the prayers I've been offering have been answered, or if my body is just getting over it. It's probably all of the above (I think it's a lot of number four).

I will leave you with one last sentiment:

Death is like an onion:
White, and cool, and frail.
Layers of life peel off,
Bringing tears, and awful smell.


Katscratchme said...

I saw one recently that said you should gargle some sort of Tabasco sauce concoction. I will NEVER try that... ever. EVER.

Bethany said...

Funny, funny Dara.

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