Monday, April 22, 2013

What Have I Done!?

Once upon a time, there were Spanish olives and they were gross.

When offered such nastiness, I rightly refused politely(...well, alright, I may have stuck my tongue out in disgust, but I was, like, 8 years old...), and Dad responded by saying, "Good. More for me."

He said this about pickled beets, too.

And three bean salad.

No more proof was needed. Dad was an alien.

I mean, you can't get more alien than that. Well, except if you were to stuff a handful of sunflower seeds into your mouth and then magically deshell them, spit out the shells, and have the seeds in your mouth after.

Oh, wait.

He did that, too.

I fondly remember being on road trips when Dad would do the sunflower thing, but he would toss the seeds out the window. My young mind was often troubled by the idea that Dad was littering, and I wondered if a police man saw him if he would get a ticket. That was long before I came up with the imaginary argument about certain littered items being biodegradable, but I digress. I also wondered if the spit-covered shells would get stuck on the side of the car, and I would have to clean them up at some juncture, but that never seemed to happen. Magical alien spittle...

Anyway, when Jeremy and I were living with Mom and Dad, Dad whipped out a bottle of Spanish olives.

Jeremy jumped a little with excitement. He wanted some.

Dad's brow furrowed, and he grudgingly allowed Jeremy to eat a few.

"Do you have any three bean salad?" Jeremy queried. "Or pickled beets?"

I looked at Jeremy sideways, but pushed the looming conclusion away....

Later, on a road trip, Jeremy bought himself a bag of sunflower seeds. I was okay with this, since I liked them, too.

It was a few hours into our trip that I realized that Jeremy wasn't spitting out shells.

Where did they go?

And then the realization hit me, and I turned to Jeremy in horror as I deduced that he had been SWALLOWING them.

"What are you DOING?!" I exclaimed.

Jeremy looked at me, bewildered.

"What??"

"You aren't supposed to SWALLOW them!!" I yelled, imagining some horrible fate for my husband who had just swallowed a whole bunch of sunflower seed shells, and had been for hours.

"I've been doing it for years," he said, looking at me like I was weird.

The looming thought came back to me, and unveiled itself. It all made sense. They both wore glasses, both played a stringed instrument, both owned Mustangs, and both had this weird obsession with chipper-shredders....
"Oh, no..." I thought. "...Jeremy's......Jeremy.... Oh NO......"

And in that one, horrible moment, I realized that I had married my father. (You thought I was gonna say he was an alien, didn't ya? Ha ha! We've already established that Jeremy is a Russian Spy. Get with the program.)

It's like that moment when you open your mouth to reprimand your children and your mom pops out.

I inadvertently married my dad. The whole idea sort of messes with  my brain a little.

It makes you wonder if you are preprogrammed to marry people like your parents, or if you have any choice in the matter.

Makes me wonder if Jeremy married HIS mom...?

O_o


6 comments:

The Mrs. said...

I guess I must either be your dad, your husband, or an alien because I SUPER love spanish olives, bean salad, and pickled beets!!! Or maybe we're all just fabulous?

Katscratchme said...

Ben sometimes eats the sunflower seed shells, too. Ick.
However, I don't think he eats pickled beets or 3 bean salad.
He did eat a pickled egg once. But that was just so he could go on a date with some girl. :)

Sarah Stufflebeam said...

that's too funny! :0)

Jen said...

It's just as disturbing as realizing you ARE your father . . . in girl form, of course . . .

Tina said...

Ha, ha!!! This made me chuckle. I love knowing that some of the things Tyler does is exactly like my father. I love him even more for those characteristics because I think my dad is the greatest!!!

Bethany said...

I'm pretty sure God created sunflower seeds specifically for car drives, but not so you could eat the shell. Ew.

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