Love Affair With an Angel

If you had asked me 10 years ago if I would love being a mom, I would have said no, and then kicked you in the shin.

I had babysat children since I was 10 years old, up through high school, ending my prominent career with a six-month nannying gig. I was burned out. I was the best (and I have that on good authority...I was in high demand as a babysitter), but I was burned to a crisp.

Jeremy, fuzzy, heat-seeking, family-loving, sleeper-in-a-pile-of-warm-bodies male-type that he is, was more than gungho about starting a family. I shuddered at the thought. What if I didn't like my own kids?

I had that thought right up until I was due with Joshua.

I think every mother has that feeling right before they give birth: What will this person be like? Will we get along? Will we even like each other?

Thankfully, things are different when you are taking care of a person you created.

It was a rough start. I was used to being single/newly weddish, and I suddenly had a fat, screaming little blob to take care of. I feel about those early days like I do about my undergraduate degree: They were a waste, but a necessary waste. If I could go back and do both over again, I would do a much better job...but if I hadn't gone through them, I wouldn't KNOW how to do a better job. Sort of a catch-22.

I feel bad for Josh that he had such a noob running his life. But, thankfully, he is made of springy stuff, and seems to have boat-loads of forgiveness for his fumbling mother.

Each child after broke down wall after wall I had, and (I believe) made me a better person and mother.

Yet, up until I gave birth to Leah, I still had those same old questions: What will this person be like? Will we get along? Will we even like each other?

There is such a diversity of personalities with my children, I couldn't imagine what else could be thrown into the mix. Would I love her like I do the others? How much love can you have in your heart, and can it possibly be spread too thin?

God is miraculous. He made a mother's heart (and a father's) capable of holding more love than could possibly fit into such a small space. And, it seems in my case that with each little person, the space doesn't grow necessarily, but that love becomes concentrated and more vibrant.

And I'm always surprised by this.

Like yesterday, when I was sitting in the Magical Blue Chair, rocking Leah. I liked her right away when she popped out, but yesterday I had a new feeling.

I had missed her.

Now that she was with me, I realized that I had subconsciously missed this little woman before she was born. And now I had her, and I felt complete.

If I didn't believe in a pre-life, I would have started to then. It was a confirmation to me that we were family before we came here, that we knew each other, loved each other, and wanted to be together. And she chose me to be her mom. It's a very humbling thought.

So, ask me now if I love being a mom, having had five love affairs with some fat little angels.

I won't kick you. I promise.