Thursday, June 28, 2012

Super Bad Idea

I'm pretty much a hermit. I don't like leaving the house unless it's to go buy something at Costco or Walmart, because I like spending money while I do a little people watching.

Makes me feel like there is a world outside with people milling about, and then I can go home after and be really happy I'm a hermit.

Well, since it's summer, and since the kids thought it was awesome do try and drown in the hotel pool back in April, we decided that they needed swim lessons. So, that necessitates that I am with people for half an hour every morning, which I have mixed feelings about, especially since I can't seem to control my thoughts about said people when I am around them, but more on that later....

Because I signed up so late in the season, I got the crappy hour of 9 AM swim lessons.

Rushing out of the house first thing in the morning isn't all that fantastic, just in case you wanted to try it someday.

Anyway, a typical swim lesson day goes something like this:

Wake up.

Wake up some more.

Finally roll out of bed and wave at my hair as I pass by the mirror in my bathroom (I'll have to take a picture someday of my hair in the morning. It's really something.).

Exercise for approximately 50 minutes.

Stand in front of the fan in my bedroom to whisk away the sweat.

Get ready for the day.

Get the kids ready for the day.

Shove food down their necks.

Shove food down my neck.

Throw everyone into the car.

Drive lickity split down to the pool.

Unload all four kids.

Load two into the stroller.

Try not to get hit by all the crazy moms dropping their kids off at the pool.

Wiggle my double stroller just so, so that I don't get stuck in the entrance gates.

Walk to the chair area.

Sit down on the deck chairs.

Hand Lily my phone.

Hand Eden a plastic Octopus.

Open up my bright pink umbrella.

Watch my kids "swim."

I do this every morning.

Now, I like how I do things. It makes me feel like I have some type of order.

Off to the left of me is a gaggle of women, who, after the first day, maneuvered all their chairs into a tight circle, facing away from me. Maybe it's the bright pink umbrella. I don't know.

I frankly don't care (see aforementioned hermit reference), but I took note of it, due to the loud scraping of the deck chairs across the pavement.

Anyway, after class one day, one of the moms had parked near my car, and I happened to hear her severely reprimanding her child (who was about Josh's age) for not getting in last, because he KNEW he was supposed to get in last, blah blah blah, grrrr, rant, and some sort of punishing-type sound.

I raised a cocky eyebrow and thought, because nobody was there to stop me, "Gee...she really shouldn't reprimand her kid in public like that..."

Duhn, duhn, duhn....

Little did I know I sealed my fate with that one, judgey little thought.

Some days later, I was standing outside the mall, and Joshua and Eva decided it would be super fantastic to jut out in front of me into the road we were crossing.

"Josh, Ev-," I began. "HEY! HEY!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??!!?!"

"Sorry, mom," Josh said in a really non-sorry way.

I took his face into my hand and got about 1 inch away from his face.

"YouneedtostopwhenItellyoubecauseacarcouldcomeandhityouifyouaren'twithmeandyoucouldDIE!" I said harshly.

Josh looked up at me, and then behind me, then up at me, and then behind me.

I finally stood back up, feathers extremely ruffled, and turned to see two people right behind me, entering the mall.



They walked ahead of me, and I tried to be nice to my kids, but really didn't feel like it since they were being semi-twitty, and the couple finally stopped to uncover a kiosk. They turned and looked at me as I passed, and I looked away, and attempted to control my temper and my facial expressions.

Fast forward a couple of days.

I was at the store picking up some candy melts and Joshua was manning Lily's cart (I think every store should have double carts like Costco does. It would make everyone happier. All these pygmy sized carts have no place in Utah. Or the world.). My one stipulation for Josh pushing the cart while I pushed another cart with Eden inside of it was that he keep his hands on the cart at all times.


Sounds pretty definite, yes?

Well, two seconds after I was focusing on something other than Josh's cart handling skills, I looked over to see how things were going and Lily was sitting in her cart and Josh was nowhere to be seen.


"JOSHUA!" I yelled. I was tired. Don't judge me.

"Huh?" Came his little man reply.

I took his face in my hand and got 1 inch from his face.


I stood up, and there, behind me, was a woman staring really hard at a spot on the wall just above her. Yes...I would have done that too in her situation.


So, what this whole thing boils down to is this: Don't judge people. It's a super bad idea. It will bite you really hard on the rear.

The universe thought it would be super funny to make me eat my words.

So, here's me eating them.


Trillium said...

Yeah. Kids are impressed by loud scoldings at first, but when yelling gets to be the norm, they aren't impressed any more. I think parents yell because they have been frightened by the possible unthinkable horribleness (like being hit by a car or kidnapping) that immediately springs to mind, and then their adrenaline rush, comes out of their mouths. I tried to enforce (with only partial success) the no yelling rule, which is no yelling unless the house is on fire or someone is dying. The house never caught on fire, and no one ever came even close to dying. So the intermitten yelling must have been to merely keep in practice, just in case. :D

Trillium said...


Tara said...

Lol! Love it!! Now that my kids are getting older it's easier to recognize the frustrated/guilty/"trying my best but it's not good enough" look on the faces of women with really young kids. When I was in that stage I was somehow conviced that everyone else had it down pat and I was the only one who had days where I could barely keep my head above water. Now I realize none of us feel like we've got it down!

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