Friday, October 1, 2010

In Which Jeremy Explodes, but Without the Little Messy Bits

Jeremy Hates shopping. HATES it.

Unless we are buying large appliances.

Or chips.

So, after Eva's doctor appointment this morning, I was banking on him thinking I was cute, and dragged him and everyone into Michael's.

Ahhhh....You can feel the draw in the parking lot, and every woman is sealed in the deal as glitter and cinnamon waft through the always-slightly-ajar doors...

Even Jeremy was convinced we needed to buy two large scarecrows, because, dang it! Everyone should have two: a boy, and a girl.

I wandered around with my nose in my copy of Women's Day: Special Holiday Edition, looking to copy out the cutenesses and transform my living room and kitchen into Halloween wonderlands.


It turned into me putting random things into, not one, but TWO carts and standing in the middle of the silk flowers bewildered, and Jeremy desperately trying to entertain two gremlins on crack.

Now, those of you who know Jeremy know he doesn't get mad. He must have had a bunch of holes poked in him when he was younger, to let steam out (like a baked potato).

Nevertheless, as I stood there, trying to decide if what I had would match what I had at home, and if I wanted to use what I had at home, and could I mix, or should I do different themes in different rooms, and were pompom spiders too silly for my style, or would they freak out the kids, or, more likely, would Lily eat them, and was black tulle just a little too dark and could I mix silver dollars with off-white daisies, Jeremy had decided he had enough.

The two gremlins had puddled into writhing, biting, hairy, maniacally laughing blobs, and he said, "Uh, are we done?" I turned my "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!" face on him, and he inhaled deeply for about 30 seconds and I had to remind him that breathing was a two-way process.

After standing there for another couple minutes staring at the contents of my baskets, Jeremy let go of the two little monsters (Lily just sat passively in my cart, eating the twig wreath and the glitter off the "scary" tree) and raised his hands imploring towards the heavens and yelled very loudly,


He then turned quickly, knocked over a display of glass votives, and after the poor things had shattered out of existence, jumped on them for good measure, and dragged the gremlins out the front door.

Well...not really.

Jeremy let go of Josh and Eva, and said, "I am going out to the car, get what you want..."

I stared helplessly at him.

Lily ate some more twigs.

And Jeremy left, his invisible baked potato having exploded. Or, rather, having heated the poked potato, it got hot, wrinkly and tough. Over-done. Beep!


I couldn't think without him there, and put everything back.

I should really learn to think without Jeremy's body being within a three-foot proximity of me.


Katscratchme said...

You put it all back?! Now Jeremy's shriveled potato seems overcooked for naught! (Yes, I said "for naught")
You should have at least kept the Scarecrows that he liked. :D

Tara said...

Drat! For a moment I was more pleased than I'd ever been to think of Jeremy loudly crying up to the heavens (it's not proper) and then inadvertently knocking over all the glass. Then you mentioned the stomping and I knew at once you were lying. Oh, the betrayal. It's alright, though. I'm going to pretend that I stopped reading after, "I HATE THIS". It makes me feel good. ;)

Trillium said...

Poor Jeremy. Early on in our marriage, The Knight made it crystal clear that going to a fabric store with me was tantamount to having his fingernails slowly pulled out by the roots. And being with me as I debated over decorative doodads for an up-coming holiday violated the Geneva Convention. But, now, even I get hives and nausea if I pass any doodad display! Tell Jeremy: "this too shall pass" -- it may take another ... mmmmm ... probably 30 years..... ;)

Rebecca said...

hysterical! I read it to Victor and he thought it was funny too!

Victor and I have an unspoken rule: I don't take him to craft/fabric stores and he doesn't take me to hobby/auto stores. The result would be cataclysmic :)

We also don't take our children anywhere when we shop. They drive me crazy :)

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