Uphill Both Ways

"...and we went uphill to school in 40 feet of snow, both ways!"

You've heard it.

Probably from your parents.

No doubt in their efforts to show you how much harder their lives were than yours currently is.

I was thinking about this last night, trying to figure out how on earth this would be possible, and I came to this conclusion:

First of all, "back then" (4 million years ago) the world was denser, smaller (like Einstein's brain...no really, it was!). And because it was denser, people weighed more (gravity pulled harder, making people smaller).

So, what really was happening was that every morning, the entire young population (who lived on one half of the planet..the bottom half, as I will discuss shortly) would trudge out into the snow drifts (which were always there because, not only was the earth denser, it was also further away from the sun, next to Jupiter) and, because everyone weighed so much, the earth would naturally rotate in the night (which only last 7 hours...Days only lasted 15 hours. The earth was denser, remember? And apparently, Jupiter was closer, too...and the sun was cooler then...), causing everyone to end up on the bottom half of the planet (another reason it was snowy). So, they would trudge uphill in the snow to school.

Now, when school got out seven hours later (school was the same, long experience it is today) the earth had rotated because the weight had transferred and so the school ended up at the bottom of the planet. So, the poor children would put on their galoshes and parkas, and trudge uphill back to their houses, and start the cycle all over again.

Naturally, because the days were shorter, people were actually 40 years old when they graduated from High School, accounting for the seriousness of the "upcoming generation" and their ability to focus, and their inability to be irresponsible, because, frankly, they were too old for that kind of shenanigans.

Now, over the centuries that followed, their incessant talking caused the earth to fill up with hot air and water. The earth was mostly a dried, icy sponge and the hot, moist air caused the earth to expand, and the sheer force of the quantity of hot, moist air being produced by the non-stop moral jabbering, caused the sun to ignite, and the planets to be pushed back into their current orbit, and caused the phenomenon of Global Warming, which, apparently isn't that much of threat, but which our generation wants to stamp out entirely, and necessitated the invention of Rest Homes.

Yeah. I couldn't go to sleep last because of this, and I think I have finally figured it out.

P.S.

What people nowadays don't realize is that now days are actually 48 hours long, and gravity is almost non-existent, so people are only 9 when they graduate from High School, but extremely tall for their age, which explains much of today's society.