Nightmare

I wasn't going to post this, but Jenny's plea for an entry pulled my heart strings, and I have conceded... :)
From time to time, I have extremely frightening nightmares. Since I am normally a happy-go-lucky person, these dreams tend to leave a dent in my soul for quite some time.


I went to bed last night content, but of course concerned with parenting issues, and some day buying a home, and other things like that.

I fell asleep...

I began to dream...

In my dream, I was with three people: Two boys and a girl. We were all about the same age, and were enjoying each other's company. One of the boys--nobody I know in real life--really liked me (not in a romantic way) and wanted to be with me. I was fine with this, since I liked him too (again, not in a romantic way). The other two were sort of a blur, but we all liked each other and wanted to be together.

Then there was this other girl...

She wanted the boy to be with her.

But she wanted to control him, force him to do what she wanted. And she was angry.

So, I spent my time trying to hide this boy from her. All the while I could hear that she wasn't far behind, and she was screaming and screaming in rage. The boy wasn't helping at all, because he didn't seem to understand that this girl was going to hurt him, and just kept doing what he was doing, trying to enjoy himself and be comfortable. No matter how much I tried to make him curl up into a ball and hide, he would sit with his legs exposed from where we were all trying to hide. He wasn't trying to provoke her. He was just being himself. I knew she was going to find us.

I woke up cold and my hair standing on end.

I was so terrified I was afraid to move. I could tell that someone or something was in my home. I started to pray, but I was so terrified my brain was zig-zagging all over the place and I couldn't concentrate. Jeremy was peacefully asleep, and I was hesitant to wake him up since he gets so little sleep at night as it is. I finally couldn't bear it any more and I nudged him. He woke up, and I asked him to turn on the light. I told him I had a nightmare, and I felt something was wrong in our home. We turned on all the lights, and checked the doors, and most importantly, our children. I asked Jeremy to pray for us, and he did so, twice, at my request.
Then I remembered something Mom told me once.

You see, I don't know why I know this, and you may think I am crazy, but my nightmares are always messages. Always have been, and always will be.

I started having them when I was 16.

What has always baffled me is trying to figure out what they mean.

I told this to Mom, and she said, quite plainly, "You should ask God what they mean."
Well, uh...yeah...I knew that...

So I did.

I realized that this dream was an answer to the prayer I had the night before.

The answer definitely didn't come the way I expected.

In college, I had this friend, Tyler, who I worked with. Every night, as we closed up the Institute building, at some point, he would pop out of a darkened doorway or a stairwell and scare me to death. E V E R Y N I G H T. You would have thought I would have caught on at some point. He thought it was really funny. Now, I don't believe Heavenly Father scares me to death because He gets a kick out of it. I think it happens that way because some times (most of the time) I am so caught up in what I am doing, nothing else works.

Last night, when I went to bed, I was praying about my children. I have often looked at them, and couldn't see what they would become, or who they were before they came here. So, I asked God to help me see who my children are.

My dream told me who they are.

That boy is my son.

And that angry woman....is me.

Have you ever, in parental exasperation, thought that your kids are doing things purposefully just to make you mad? I have for a long time and have wasted a lot of time being angry.

In my dream, God showed me that Joshua is just this care-free person who isn't trying to make me angry. He is just a small boy who loves me, and wants to be with me--the non-angry me. And I have been trying to control him, and break his will.

And that feeling in my home was something I brought in.

When I figured this out, my heart was at peace. I am grateful for the revelation! And I feel like I can start again.