Why?
Just as a disclaimer, I have to say that I am by no means trying to paint any poor pictures here of any of the following people I may mention in this blog. I am just trying to make some sort of sense in myself. Ahem.
My husband Jeremy has been in school ever since we got married, and after the first year of marriage, I graduated and then had Joshua the following October. After that, Jeremy transfer ed schools, and was gone from 5:00am to 5:00pm and then went to work at 5:30 and didn't come back until 10 or 11, and would promptly go to bed when he got home. So, trying to be a good little wifey, I tried desperately to be supportive and put aside the crippling desire to just keep poking him and whining for him to spend time with me. Every summer, he worked two jobs trying to make ends meet, and every winter break it was the same thing, except he would be gearing up for the next semester, and try to recuperate by watching 18 sci-fi movies back to back. Some things over the last five years have caused some major stress on our marriage (besides the awful school experience) and we haven't had the time or energy to sort those things out completely until now. I can only imagine that we are going through what retired couples go through. After 30 years, the wife has her schedule, and the man, not having anything to do, is at a loss, and doesn't know how to a) relax b) stay out of the way c) how to help around the house. Don't worry, I am not husband bashing. This is just how things go when you have developed separate co-existences (hmmm...does that make sense? Oh well). From time to time, during school, I would be anxious for Jeremy to be able to spend the scarce time he had with me and Joshua, and now Eva, and often had to struggle to control my over-eager attitude about it, and Jeremy would struggle with the desire to be with his new little family and managing everything else that would be pulling on his time and attention. Unfortunately, it was a no-win situation for Jeremy, being the person he is, and I am afraid I couldn't hide my disappointment. This cycle would repeat year after year, and we both awaited the magical day when he would graduate and the Dean of the Engineering school would wave his wand, whack Jeremy's head, and make everything better. Sigh...Well, let's just say that trying to mesh our lives back in harmony has been fun and challenging. Unfortunately, there is a phenomenon that happens to me. I seem to feel fine for a long time and go with the flow of things and then BAM! I freak out all over the place, and unfortunately the fall out effects just about everyone I have a relationship with. My husband has kindly requested that I let out a little bit of steam along the way so that everyone involved doesn't get eaten, and I have tried, and I apparently have a lot of work to do. On two (yes, I am thoroughly ashamed) occasions where I was spewing forth angry and unforgiving verbal lava (and consequently, I had to drag up resolved issues because they fueled my flame...I can be so mean) I went to the extreme and instead of carefully expressing frustration in a productive way, I started saying everything I was thinking...to two people I love: One to their face, and one while they were downstairs sitting on the couch in our apartment. :(
Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, this backfired. Fortunately, one of those situations was fixed. The other still has it's lingering effects. You guessed I am sure that the second person was my Jeremy. While I think using someone as a sound board is useful, somethings you should keep to yourself, especially when you don't mean them, or you are trying to work them out and just throw them out there to see if you really believe them. I have decided that instead of alarming people I talk to, I should just use God as a sounding board. And I also broke my own rule, that I would never talk about my relationship with my husband with other people. I hate it when I break my own rules...
After my eruption ended, I talked to Jeremy about it, and I realized how I had thoughtlessly hurt him and made him worry. That was a mistake I didn't realize would effect us so much. As each day passes, he relives what I have said again and again. I was unfair, since he didn't even get to defend himself. I know how I have behaved in the past, and he would (not that he ever would) have ample ammo to shoot right back at me.
Relationships are complicated, especially marriage relationships. Jeremy and I have challenges, but I don't think we are the exception, but the rule. If there wasn't the complications to make you grow, your relationship would never develop. While challenges exist, the fact is that Jeremy and I both try really hard to make sure we are being fair, and it's only reasonable that sometimes we don't always agree on a given topic. After 5 years, we do have a deep, meaningful relationship, and while things aren't picture perfect, I am glad they aren't. It gives us a chance to get to know each other better and learn to love each others quirks. We have learned from this experience, if nothing else, and that is that our relationship is something to be cultivated and nurtured, not cut down. Pruning may be needed, but chopping the tree down doesn't produce any fruit.
My husband Jeremy has been in school ever since we got married, and after the first year of marriage, I graduated and then had Joshua the following October. After that, Jeremy transfer ed schools, and was gone from 5:00am to 5:00pm and then went to work at 5:30 and didn't come back until 10 or 11, and would promptly go to bed when he got home. So, trying to be a good little wifey, I tried desperately to be supportive and put aside the crippling desire to just keep poking him and whining for him to spend time with me. Every summer, he worked two jobs trying to make ends meet, and every winter break it was the same thing, except he would be gearing up for the next semester, and try to recuperate by watching 18 sci-fi movies back to back. Some things over the last five years have caused some major stress on our marriage (besides the awful school experience) and we haven't had the time or energy to sort those things out completely until now. I can only imagine that we are going through what retired couples go through. After 30 years, the wife has her schedule, and the man, not having anything to do, is at a loss, and doesn't know how to a) relax b) stay out of the way c) how to help around the house. Don't worry, I am not husband bashing. This is just how things go when you have developed separate co-existences (hmmm...does that make sense? Oh well). From time to time, during school, I would be anxious for Jeremy to be able to spend the scarce time he had with me and Joshua, and now Eva, and often had to struggle to control my over-eager attitude about it, and Jeremy would struggle with the desire to be with his new little family and managing everything else that would be pulling on his time and attention. Unfortunately, it was a no-win situation for Jeremy, being the person he is, and I am afraid I couldn't hide my disappointment. This cycle would repeat year after year, and we both awaited the magical day when he would graduate and the Dean of the Engineering school would wave his wand, whack Jeremy's head, and make everything better. Sigh...Well, let's just say that trying to mesh our lives back in harmony has been fun and challenging. Unfortunately, there is a phenomenon that happens to me. I seem to feel fine for a long time and go with the flow of things and then BAM! I freak out all over the place, and unfortunately the fall out effects just about everyone I have a relationship with. My husband has kindly requested that I let out a little bit of steam along the way so that everyone involved doesn't get eaten, and I have tried, and I apparently have a lot of work to do. On two (yes, I am thoroughly ashamed) occasions where I was spewing forth angry and unforgiving verbal lava (and consequently, I had to drag up resolved issues because they fueled my flame...I can be so mean) I went to the extreme and instead of carefully expressing frustration in a productive way, I started saying everything I was thinking...to two people I love: One to their face, and one while they were downstairs sitting on the couch in our apartment. :(
Unfortunately, and not surprisingly, this backfired. Fortunately, one of those situations was fixed. The other still has it's lingering effects. You guessed I am sure that the second person was my Jeremy. While I think using someone as a sound board is useful, somethings you should keep to yourself, especially when you don't mean them, or you are trying to work them out and just throw them out there to see if you really believe them. I have decided that instead of alarming people I talk to, I should just use God as a sounding board. And I also broke my own rule, that I would never talk about my relationship with my husband with other people. I hate it when I break my own rules...
After my eruption ended, I talked to Jeremy about it, and I realized how I had thoughtlessly hurt him and made him worry. That was a mistake I didn't realize would effect us so much. As each day passes, he relives what I have said again and again. I was unfair, since he didn't even get to defend himself. I know how I have behaved in the past, and he would (not that he ever would) have ample ammo to shoot right back at me.
Relationships are complicated, especially marriage relationships. Jeremy and I have challenges, but I don't think we are the exception, but the rule. If there wasn't the complications to make you grow, your relationship would never develop. While challenges exist, the fact is that Jeremy and I both try really hard to make sure we are being fair, and it's only reasonable that sometimes we don't always agree on a given topic. After 5 years, we do have a deep, meaningful relationship, and while things aren't picture perfect, I am glad they aren't. It gives us a chance to get to know each other better and learn to love each others quirks. We have learned from this experience, if nothing else, and that is that our relationship is something to be cultivated and nurtured, not cut down. Pruning may be needed, but chopping the tree down doesn't produce any fruit.
Comments
I'm a big believer in getting out what's on your mind WHILE it's happening. Otherwise, one day it does blow up...and when it does, HELLO MOUNT ST. HELENS! The problem is way worse that it would have been.
You know what the best rule I can think of is for resolving problems? The minute you start screaming at your partner, that's the second they stop listening and go on the defensive. The only time you should be "having it out" is when you're both rational. And if you can't be rational right now...that's when you leave the house and take a walk down the road. You won't say something you'll regret and it's a lot easier to sort things out.
1. Is it true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?
If we can follow those (fairly) simple rules.. we'll run into less trouble in the long run...
It does take practice and a forgiving friend or loved one!
Dara ;)